Paisley and Cash

Whether it was a good idea or a bad one, we got two puppies.  We haven't told many people as I am still grieving the loss of Faith and I didn't want anyone to think we replaced her, as there will never be any way to replace her.

It has been two weeks now, and I figured it was time to make it public.

Cash is a fairly mellow little boy and will often sit calmly down next to me and just look at me.  I've snuck him on to the couch  (where they are not allowed) to cuddle with me twice and into my bed for a few hours while we slept one night.  He learned to come first and mastered "sit" within one day.  He's a cute boy and tends to be more passive.

Paisley is pretty active and full of energy.  She is constantly trying to jump at us, unfortunately with her mouth open and wanting to play.  She takes all of the toys or treats that Cash gets and instigates all of their wrestling matches.  She's worn herself out a few times and so she was the first to be snuck into my room to sleep for a few hours one night.  She learned her name first and learned to "sit" within 15 minutes.

They are siblings that were born on April 1st from a litter that were Shar Pei and Pitbull mixes.  It wasn't my intention to get a pit, but since these are mutts and definitely have some distinct Shar Pei looks to them, I agreed.

We are crate training them, which I've never done before.  They have to pee so often, it is crazy, but they have been really good about either going outside or having an accident on puppy pads that are set up on one corner of the living room.

So far they haven't been allowed out of the living room or on the furniture.  They sleep in separate crates, although they were next to each other until today.  We finally moved them so they are about 4 feet away from each other and through a doorway.  They can still see each other but the goal is to eventually have them in separate rooms.

They will be going on vacation with us to the beach because I was worried that a pet sitter wouldn't keep up with the potty training and we would lose ground.  They've done okay in the car for the two trips to the vet and I'm planning to take longer to get to the beach so that we can stop to let them out more often.

I'll save everyone from my sad and pathetic feelings that have come up about Faith since Cash and Paisley have come into our lives and I won't admit that I've caught myself looking up at her urn and asking what the heck was I thinking when they are whining to go outside at 1 in the morning.

**Yes, we did name one of the goats Cash when we had him for the first few months of his life, but we liked the name and used it again.

Pheasant hatching

The same girl that asked us to hatch some duck eggs under our broody girls also asked us to try to hatch some pheasants.  

I didn't expect that

We knew that the guinea were laying eggs somewhere, but we hadn't stumbled upon the nest yet.

Then the oldest told me that he saw the nest by the big tree.  A few hours later when I was going outside to check on the chickens I heard a guinea go crazy across the yard and an orange stray tabby cat came from the area the guinea was trying to hurry away from.

Upon closer inspection I found this.

Duckie Wuckie

We had SEVEN broody hens so I offered to hatch some eggs in one of my chicken groups.  A girl came by and dropped off several duck eggs for us to try to hatch for her.

Oh my, the cuteness! 

This will be the only time I ever truly get personal...

(Preface:  Grandma, you may not want to read this one...)

A friend of mine is dealing with the prospect of losing her dog.  He became sick from kidney failure and tumors before Faith ever became sick.  Even though they elected to have a surgery to remove his kidney, it wasn't very long after the surgery when she saw that his health was declining again.

Tonight, she asked me how she should know when to put him down, or when to do it.  And as I sat there trying to think of the right words to say back to her, I knew I couldn't do what I was suppose to do.  You're suppose to be positive and helpful.  Say things that will help someone to make that decision and feel right about doing it.  You're suppose to offer a glimmer of hope to them.

But I couldn't.

I had to be honest.

So I told her what I hadn't told anyone else:

Everyone said that if Faith was suffering, she needed to be put down.  They told me that it was the right thing to do and it was the most loving thing that I could do for her.  They said that if she suffers for one day, that's one day too many.

I understand these thoughts.  I understand why they said them.  I can even understand why they may be true.

But what I felt and what I feel goes far beyond those feelings.

On that day, I knew that I was not going to let Faith die alone, away from me.

When she was given the first shot, to help her feel drowsy and fall asleep, she fought it.  For ten to twenty minutes I laid on the hospital floor with her as she was losing feeling in her limbs and getting tired, but refusing to close her eyes and sleep.  Over the next 20 minutes or so, she felt herself losing control of her bowels, she was fighting it, every moment of it.

I know she was thinking how she wasn't "suppose" to have accidents and was trying to figure out how to get up and get outside to go to the bathroom.  Even though she was "just a dog", I bet it was humiliating for her when she couldn't hold on any longer.  She was breathing hard and looking at us with eyes that screamed out to me.  She just to get up and go outside to go to the bathroom.  She just wanted to get up and just be Faith again.  She was fighting.

When the vet finally came in to give her the final injection, the vet couldn't find a vein for a few minutes.  Faith had no strength at that point and was just breathing hard, fighting the drowsy feeling, trying to fight losing feeling in her body.  After several more minutes, she was gone.

As my oldest and I sat there, crying over her and petting her, I could not erase the fact that I killed her.  It was me that took her to the vet.  It was me that chose to put her down.  And I can't get past the fact that in those last moments, she may have been screaming out to me asking me why.

A few hours later, I had contacted another vet, shared the test results and was getting another opinion on what Faith had been suffering from.  I needed to hear from someone else that it really was bad and that she wasn't going to get better, and all the while I was thinking how I should have done this before.  Even though I'd already had two vets give me their thoughts, I needed someone else to tell me that she had been suffering and there was nothing I could have done to fix things for her.

I understand that it may have been a "loving" thing for me to help her not be in pain.  I understand that it may have been the "right thing" to do.  But none of those things matter, because those things do not erase the guilt that I felt that day or the guilt that creeps up in my heart when I don't keep myself busy enough.

I did not want Faith to ever suffer or to be in any pain.  I would have done anything to have been able to keep her healthy and safe, at home where she was comfortable, for the rest of my life.

I believe she had already held on for those two weeks that she couldn't eat, for me.  I believe she was fighting to stay alive that day, for me.  I believe she was screaming out to me asking me why it was happening because she knew just how much I needed her and just how hard it would be for me to come home without her.

I believe she did everything for me.

Because that's just who she was.

As I admitted my feelings and shared these experiences with my friend tonight, I knew they were not the things we are "suppose" to tell people, especially someone that's about to go through the same experience.  But I had to be honest with her.  I told her to do whatever she can to make sure that she is completely at peace with her decision before she takes her dog back to the vet.

I also know that these were not things that I had shared with anyone else.  I am not one to admit when things are hard.  I try to make light of situations or to make jokes about the hard situations in my life in order to get through them.  There will never be a time to make light of Faith's life or her death.  I know that the guilt I feel will never completely go away, and I know the memories and the love that I have for her will be right there as well.

Strawberry Jam 2014

We didn't manage to get all 35 pounds of strawberries processed because I've been so busy at my two jobs, but we did manage to get three batches canned.  I think this will be okay as long as we also make black raspberry jam as well.

The Jailbird escaped

We only had one keet hatch from the last batch, or at least only one survived, and while I was waiting to find it a home, he was stuck in a big storage bin in the dinning room until I caught him doing this.

We put a towel over the top to prevent him from getting out again.

Luckily we found him a new home today.